Found and Lost

I found you quietly wandering through my pages,

reading words that reflected the pain and despair

that sometimes haunted my words and expressions.

I found you smiling, hiding the feelings of depression

that broken hearts and lost love causes us to spare,

the indecisive moments when life collect its wages.

 ~

Didn’t know at the moment that your heart was caged,

that your feelings were prisoners of unfounded love

and recent memories of losing him held you captive.

I was unaware that your smile was just adaptive,

of  surviving his deceiving and abusing way, thereof

causing a confusing welcome when I was engaged.

 ~

Quickly I held you in my desires and in my dreams,

a savior willing to swim through my despair

finding ways to turn my heart in your direction,

without knowing that your plans for my dissection

were quickly put into place, like you didn’t care,

as everything that followed was not as it seemed.

 ~

Now, I can’t see you anymore wandering through,

no more traces of your smile and seductive ways

as being liberated causes bittersweet emotions.

Only hurtful words remain lingering in the notion

that I never found you, and in my drunken daze

I said words that held me captive within my truth.

 ~

I found you, hurt and loss in the bitter strife

as my words caused the grief and the despair

that somehow I was supposed to save you from.

There are no words now and my mind is numb,

and the same way I found you I leave you there,

among phrases and pieces of you,  without life.

H.O.

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Blindfolded

untitled

With eyes close my vision becomes clear,

deeper understanding of my reality

and acceptance of my mortality

as the end of my journey gets near,

but not letting go of newly found pleasure

bind to life a little longer is what I treasure.

 ~

Not a fool but a dreamer I have become

refusing to let go of the only thing that is real

as heavens fool’s gold and hell I have no fear

when everything I love will be done,

facing up to my mortality only when I’m ready,

but not yet, as living my life becomes steady.

~

With eyes close I can see more than ever,

transient lives deeply brushing my senses

and unwillingness to let go of defenses,

once we go, don’t we go forever?

Too many things cause me such dismay

when eyes closed reality entices me to stay.

 `

H.O. 9/27/13

PIC- Marlene Dumas The Blindfolded Man, 2007
Oil on canvas

Existence

In between words I exist,

born of letters weaved together to form a name,

pregnant consonants giving birth to dreams of fame

that later years still persist,

when death so near will stake it’s claim

and I seek reasons to resist.

~

In between words I become,

shaped by symbols left engraved during my past,

forgotten pages marked with ink that’s fading fast

and I will wander without a home,

with just some reasons to make life last

or make it worth to be reborn.

~

In between words death will be,

an unmarked grave with words addressed

to a sudden life which love possessed,

as written down so all could see

what I’ve become and I profess,

in between words I will be free.

H.O. September 18, 2013