Déjà vu
I see your naked soul suspended in time
within your reflection of blue-
I see you as whole or part same as mine,
a window of what is true
or what is not anymore-
And dreams mix with my reality
not trusting what I perceive
Did I meet you before?
Did I taste the nectar of sexuality
or did I taste the poison of deceit?
H.O
When I cross the line I’ll let it go
before it drags me down
to the bottomless pit of despair,
I say life is not fair
but words are empty I know
and ending is not found
in this story or this affair-
~
When find dirt under my feet
I’ll let go and erase the thought
persistent in my mind,
because if I look I won’t find
answers to the pending defeat,
not that I ever fought
or ever made myself blind-
~
No answers here or there
I barely came up for air
when drowning in my mind,
because if I look I won’t find.
H.O.
I love my daughter, my only daughter. She just turned 19 years old but every time I look at her all I see is nine. After a lengthy separation and upcoming divorce from her mother and my wife of nineteen years, she moved in with me six months ago. I wrote this for her on father’s day and couldn’t remember if I did post it. Only with her I finally understood what they mean when they say “giving my life for someone”. I did, nineteen years of it and whatever is left, for her…
A Father
When autumn comes and life goes on
my daughter dear, another year
time gives to you and takes from me,
another candle is there now blown
with wishes still not fully clear
and love not found to be so free,
but you keep smiling as life goes on.
~
And what I want on father’s day
for you my dear so close to stay,
to hold you tight and not let go
protecting you from all the harm,
from all the tears and all the pain-
But what I wish I wish in vain
as you my love adventures want
and just this life you now outgrow
so holding tight, I’ll let you go.
H.O. June 11, 2013
It is just a dream, a passing moment in my fading time-
Holding on with raw fingers to the hope of just being
a part of everything coincidental and sublime.
Profoundly searching for the eluding answer,
for the peace within-
It is just a dream but eating my soul like a cancer,
tearing my heart with tantalizing possibilities
of such beauty to hold and adore,
giving in to an instant engorged with liabilities
that I prefer to ignore.
It is just a dream and nothing more.
H.O.
The quietness in my head precedes a dream
sustained in daylight and the middle of all.
With eyes open staring at nothing it seems
unreal looking at reality separated world.
~
Made visions forces my mind into rejecting
a truth imposed by my everyday life
as I escape into my own creation electing
to ignore all that accompanies my strife.
~
A biological being of bones and flesh
guided by inner motives of life enmesh.
~
It seems like an eternity in a time stream
as I evolve in my thoughts and dreams.
And as I walk on the hard concrete path
my dream lingers with the images past.
H.O.
Broken Vows
I see the anger reflected in your face,
undefined as our love was at one time
when everything we did appeared fine
before the love and care was replaced.
~
Was it love what for years we carried?
Everything we understood was unclear
and when silence took hold it did appear
we drifted apart as we stayed married.
~
One day my living turned to desperation,
I felt trapped and lost without the notion
that anger replaced your lost emotions
and everything else became frustration.
~
When did we lose what it was promised?
We never thought that our lives would end
with picking out pieces and time misspent
in making out words without being honest.
~
Walking away I did with much hesitation,
freedom always comes with a price to pay
and all the years together I cannot erase
as I drift more apart in our separation.
~
Now it’s time to unbind a broken vow,
to separate lives that never meant to be,
never meant to tie what was given free
but messed up in the process somehow.
~
Maybe one day I’ll regard you dearly
when I see a smile I remember clearly,
maybe one day when we are far away
I’ll remember why I could never stay.
H.O.
I am dusting off another old one. I wrote last year around this time in October. I just realized that I had similar feelings last year as I had this year. Maybe next October I try to be in a better place.
Alone
Alone I must-
With dreams hanging in between life and death
already walking past the point of no return
I must pause and catch my breath.
But where do I go, where do I turn?
I seek ghosts to calm my longing for the light
and blindly turn my head towards the sun
but darkness is what’s there instead of life.
~
Alone I must-
Wrong turns caused me to be lost too many times.
Wasted love spent in keeping hope alive,
confused wishes I had mistaken for mines.
Now hesitantly to this point arrived
not knowing what awaits ahead
as I continue searching for any signs
of another life I can have instead.
~
Alone I must-
My body is no longer prepared to house my soul.
Emptiness in my heart with no love to offer
as I surpassed the limitations I hold.
To continue alone is what I may proffer,
to find happiness in another way
and somehow not lose myself as a whole.
Alone again, while I open my eyes to a new day.
H.O.
Dream within the Night
I saw you within the shadows,
I looked at you for a moment.
What is it that you seek? I asked,
Is it the present or the past?
But no answer was a torment
and your eyes I couldn’t follow.
~
I tried to smile to no avail
as your lips did not part
and your eyes did not move.
Answer me! But there you stood
quiet and not too far
and for that was not prepared.
~
I ready myself to flight
but wanted to know the truth
by slowly touching your face,
failing to my own disgrace
as it was no longer you
but a dream within the night.
H.O.
Conceal
Broken hearts and lost souls,
companions of many I found in my travels
waiting for unknown destinies left somewhere
in books forgotten and old-
Ventures lived in minds slowly unraveled
waking up to empty beds full of despair.
I understand, you see
because they are me
I know well the stories told in whispers
and left abandoned in shameful halls,
wrong decisions exposing blisters
left behind written on walls
of rooms found, more of them
to this lie condemned-
Broken heart and lost soul
I am, or so I’ve been told.
H.O.
Paumé
Who Am I in the eyes of god?
Just another one time forgot,
a drop of water in a bottomless sea
or a grain of sand I will always be.
Who Am I in the course of time?
Just another one in the design
an unknown soul in a vast land
or erased footprints on the sand.
H.O.
