Déjà vu

Déjà vu

I see your naked soul suspended in time

within your reflection of blue-

I see you as whole or part same as mine,

a window of what is true

or what is not anymore-

And dreams mix with my reality

not trusting what I perceive

Did I meet you before?

Did I taste the nectar of sexuality

or did I taste the poison of deceit?

H.O

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Self-blinded

When I cross the line I’ll let it go

before it drags me down

to the bottomless pit of despair,

I say life is not fair

but words are empty I know

and ending is not found

in this story or this affair-

 ~

When find dirt under my feet

I’ll let go and erase the thought

persistent in my mind,

because if I look I won’t find

answers to the pending defeat,

not that I ever fought

or ever made myself blind-

 ~

No answers here or there

I barely came up for air

when drowning in my mind,

because if I look I won’t find.

H.O.

A Father

I love my daughter, my only daughter. She just turned 19 years old but every time I look at her all I see is nine. After a lengthy separation and upcoming divorce from her mother and my wife of nineteen years, she moved in with me six months ago. I wrote this for her on father’s day and couldn’t remember if I did post it. Only with her I finally understood what they mean when they say “giving my life for someone”. I did, nineteen years of it and whatever is left, for her…

A Father

When autumn comes and life goes on

my daughter dear, another year

time gives to you and takes from me,

another candle is there now blown

with wishes still not fully clear

and love not found to be so free,

but you keep smiling as life goes on.

~

And what I want on father’s day

for you my dear so close to stay,

to hold you tight and not let go

protecting you from all the harm,

from all the tears and all the pain-

But what I wish I wish in vain

as you my love adventures want

and just this life you now outgrow

so holding tight, I’ll let you go.

H.O. June 11, 2013

Yearning

It is just a dream, a passing moment in my fading time-

Holding on with raw fingers to the hope of just being

a part of everything coincidental and sublime.

Profoundly searching for the eluding answer,

for the peace within-

It is just a dream but eating my soul like a cancer,

tearing my heart with tantalizing possibilities

of such beauty to hold and adore,

giving in to an instant engorged with liabilities

that I prefer to ignore.

It is just a dream and nothing more.

H.O.

Daydream

The quietness in my head precedes a dream

sustained in daylight and the middle of all.

With eyes open staring at nothing it seems

unreal looking at reality separated world.

~

Made visions forces my mind into rejecting

a truth imposed by my everyday life

as I escape into my own creation electing

to ignore all that accompanies my strife.

~

A biological being of bones and flesh

guided by inner motives of life enmesh.

~

It seems like an eternity in a time stream

as I evolve in my thoughts and dreams.

And as I walk on the hard concrete path

my dream lingers with the images past.

H.O.

Broken Vows

Broken Vows

I see the anger reflected in your face,

undefined as our love was at one time

when everything we did appeared fine

before the love and care was replaced.

~

Was it love what for years we carried?

Everything we understood was unclear

and when silence took hold it did appear

we drifted apart as we stayed married.

~

One day my living turned to desperation,

I felt trapped and lost without the notion

that anger replaced your lost emotions

and everything else became frustration.

~

When did we lose what it was promised?

We never thought that our lives would end

with picking out pieces and time misspent

in making out words without being honest.

~

Walking away I did with much hesitation,

freedom always comes with a price to pay

and all the years together I cannot erase

as I drift more apart in our separation.

~

Now it’s time to unbind a broken vow,

to separate lives that never meant to be,

never meant to tie what was given free

but messed up in the process somehow.

~

Maybe one day I’ll regard you dearly

when I see a smile I remember clearly,

maybe one day when we are far away

I’ll remember why I could never stay.

 H.O.

Alone

I am dusting off another old one. I wrote last year around this time in October. I just realized that I had similar feelings last year as I had this year. Maybe next October I try to be in a better place.

Alone

Alone I must-

With dreams hanging in between life and death

already walking past the point of no return

I must pause and catch my breath.

But where do I go, where do I turn?

I seek ghosts to calm my longing for the light

and blindly turn my head towards the sun

but darkness is what’s there instead of life.

~

Alone I must-

Wrong turns caused me to be lost too many times.

Wasted love spent in keeping hope alive,

confused wishes I had mistaken for mines.

Now hesitantly to this point arrived

not knowing what awaits ahead

as I continue searching  for any signs

of another life I can have instead.

~

Alone I must-

My body is no longer prepared to house my soul.

Emptiness in my heart with no love to offer

as I surpassed the limitations I hold.

To continue alone is what I may proffer,

to find happiness in another way

and somehow not lose myself as a whole.

Alone again, while I open my eyes to a new day.

H.O.